Monday, November 22, 2004

Only assholes say the Law Is An Ass

"Fred my sweet boy, I dont care what drugs you take or even how much you take, so long as its legal. The Law believes a drug is bad, then it knows best. Remember what I said to you, the Law is there for a reason, it knows better. Now run off to the pub and only partake in legal drugs. "

Fred, recounted this as we were standing around the VB can bathtub. "As if that wasn't all, then my parents said to me "By the way, are you driving? Yes, even be over the limit and on the road, so long as you are consuming alcohol, for all other drugs that exist that aren't produced legally, are pure evil. Remember that when your friends offer you a choof. Firstly say in a deadpan voice "Is this a legal drug?". If they say no, say to them "then how DARE you offer me something that isn't sanctioned by law! Are you promoting terrorism, because that is an illegal act. You are nothing but a small loungeroom version of a terrorist!". Stand up with a raging look on your face. Be proud or your statements, and do it for me and your father, dear boy. Tell your friends this is because your parents would be dissapointed, and would instantly withdraw their love. Shout this all out to all your early 20s friends. Then encourage a mass-walk out of the party. After all, you have the law on your side - a comforting thing to know. I know, even order your friends to feel the same way about the law! Tell them that it is their citizenery obligation to do so, and you are instructing them to carry that out now. You will then get all but the bongheads leaving the party. All of them. Expect it. Now run off and have lots of fun consuming legal drugs!".

I came home with Fred that night. I peered out to the living room, and saw Fred's mum was later seen watching videos of Reefer Madness, choking back tears and saying to a friend of hers, obviously there to comfort her "I was smoking a gram a day right up to the last minute of its legality. After midnight, when a new law came into force, I quit forever. In fact, as the clock, which was hooked up directly to the Atomic Clock at Greenwich (I invested $200,000 so that I would have the exact time for how my life was ordered via the Courts and Parliament. Well, come 12 midnight, I looked at my bag of green & quickly threw it out onto the street. Only 30 seconds before hand I was snouting it with my head in the bag, getting as much out of it as I could. But then, I was horrified. There were young respectable adults, picking up buds, leaves and bits of hashish that was in the approx. 1kg bag. They were like pigeons in the park scampering after some damper. Well, I told them logically 'Its illegal to think of non-prescription drugs, alcohol and tobacco products. What are you doing? This doesn't make sense. Ignore it, for the law personally doesn't like your actions. Be a proper citizen, be gone with you!' I said it in my best school-marm voice. That will teach them a lesson. But OH NO! it didn't for they kept picking it up like they were starving in the Greater Spanish African Empire Territory! I felt a disgust for society. Surely I & the legal profession is right, and they & the criminals they were now (33 minutes after the enaction of the new law) were wrong. And that is that. Oh, what has happened to my fellow humans?"

The videos kept playing. The friend gave sympathetic mumbles, and every minute of the reel, her tears got bigger, and bigger. The watertank, newly installed as it was now legal AND encouraged by local council, would be filling up by now! Seen the Wizard of Oz? Similar to the scene of the witch melting, Fred's mum curled over, fell on the floor and lay there, a sobbering wreck. The look on her friends face was one of disbelief.

I left the house, vowing to take her fight to all of my friends. Sure, I'll become unpopular, but if they are our local version of Usama Bin Laden, then a lesson they must be taught!

Friday, September 24, 2004

Spam gets personal!

Spam gets personal

Thats right! Here at Spam International (reg BahamasIVT), we are sick to death of recieveing what we send out (typo's inentvertinantly send the spam back to our very own inbox). So only now do we realise that spam isnt popular.

This is why we now customise tailormade penis enlargements to fit the subject line. So now, we wont just ask you to get a Nigerian Bank Account for no good reason, we relate it to the subject that your blog talks about the most.

And apparently, your subject is &ámp;

What a fascinating subject it is talking about the pros & cons of &åmp; which is the talking point of your country! We in the Bamahas are certainly jealous our your level of debate!
We here at Spam International can see both sides of the picture. We have a new forum, please come & debate in democratic style with our team. Email us at yourtopicmatters@forum.spamint.net.bhms

While you are getting worked up about & and its effect on the worlds things, thought about having a bigger penis in Nigeria?

It will make you more attactive, even to those who disagree with your aggrevated position on ……………… the nutritional benefits of omega-8 rich tahini.

You deserve money! We deserve money!
Thank you

Director General
Spam for Gaia
18 Smith St
Bahamas 3001

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Our friends overseas like what we do

Hi fellow tahinists

i am glad to say that this blog is definately hitting some PRETTY big goals. One through the posts, and another drop kicked as a fine mark.

Yes, this blog has gone global, and we have been getting all kinds of great emails and congratulatory posts from all manner of people

Heres one from the happygodblog people out in Finland:
"youre site is pretty cool. Keep it up"
You cant get much better than that, so using our phone cards I got from this bloke who runs a 7-11 in Blacktown, I called up the spokesperson from the happygodblog people, and I recieved some fascinating insights into the characters that run the happygodblog website. Here are our details:
ERIC VIGO, wholesale purchasing manager for the stationary Dept of eatingtahiniontrains.blogspot.com
SAMII KLINKAS, research and product development facilitator, happygodblog.blogland.net

This was our conversation
EV: "Hi, thanks for stopping by and taking this phone call, Samii"
SK: "………………………………………………thank you Eric its great to be here"
EV: "Hows the weather in Finland, oh by the way Samii, which part of Finland are you talking to us from?"
SK: "………………………………………………Helsinki, our capital"
EV: "Fantastic, the weather not too cold and maybe not too hot for summer, just right eh I hope"
SK: "………………………………………………Yes, we have had some wonderful days, Helsinki is beautiful during these summer months"
EV: "It makes me just want to pack up & leave, its very cold down here on Macquarie Island. Oh, in case you dont know where I am talking about, were just 2684km north of Mawson in Antartica. Yeah, I wouldn't mind a day when I'm not wearing 4 parkas & 3 t-shirts!"
SK: " ……………………………………………… *** …………… **** ……………"
EV: "Are you there Samii?"
SK: "………………………………………………yes I am, I just didn't know what to say. It can get very cold here too, but maybe not as cold as you are feeling"
EV: "Well, Samii, blogging has become a worldwide movement, what with leading blog sites like emmasdiary.blogtime.com or dogsdayin.mblog.net"
SK: "………………………………………………I have not heard of these. Can you tell me who they are again?"
EV: "Dont worry Samii, I will put them up on the website later, and our viewers can access them through the world wide web"
SK: "……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………yes right"
EV: "Tell me Samii, how did you come across our blog?"
SK: "………………………………………………To tell you the truth, I was looking through many sites, and yours was one of them"
EV: "Let me point out to you Samii and the listeners, that our cookies section CAN be dismantled if you wished. Back onto our subject, has blogging affected the way ordinary Finlandians see their government, society and the like?"
SK: "………………………………………………First, we do not say Finlandian, we are not Finlandian. We are Soumi. That is our term for who we are. Where did you get that?"
EV: "Ah, I was, well yes, um do Soumi people see their government in a different light due to the power of blogging"
SK: "………………………………………………Yes, well, as Soumi people are proud, but the number of computers in houses is quite low. Those who see the web, often go to blogging sites, but as I see, not many have knowing to use blogs to change their government. I do not know.…………………………………………………………………………………………………"
EV: "I would like to know whether you believe in God. I see no evidence of God in any of your pages, but God is in your title. What happened?"
SK: "………………………………………………No that is just silly name. We nearly chose goathingondrugs, but we decided this was more interesting"
EV: "Samii, have you paid attention to our election?"
SK: "………………………………………………No I did not know of election. In Australia?"
EV: "Yes, for instance, you see that our opposition leader will increase interest rates if he wins power. Do you have similar concerns in Soumi?"
SK: "………………………………………………You can call our country Finland if you wish, I"
EV: "Yes, most certainly I will"
SK: "………………………………………………Interest rates? ………… they are not important here. Is that your big issue?"
EV: "That and that our present prime minister will make us all safe by lowering interest rates and stopping terrorists by pre-emptively using force against neighbouring countries to flush out the terrorists & saving Australian lives. I would say that these 2 issues dominate the thinking time of all fair-minded Australians"
SK: "………………………………………………………………………………………………………ah, in our country that is invasion. 50 years ago or so, countries close to Germany, like ours, would have been called terrorist states, and Hitler would have used that as an excuse to invade Czechoslovakia and Poland and such. I think you will be in trouble with your asian neighbours yes?"
EV: "Now Samii, it is not the same. That was World War Two. OK, now lets move on to interest ra…"
SK: "I am sorry Eric, but I find this conversation is taking too much of my time, I must have breakfast. I must go"
EV: "No, thank you for your time, and I feel all of the staff here at eatingtahiniontrains have felt enriched by your cultural vibe"
SK: "………………………………………………Thank you, I must go. Hallo"

Perhaps you are from a different country other than Australia, and maybe you would like to talk about your favourate icecreams or what your best animal at the zoo is.
This will help us get an insight into the energy of your country, and give us a fascinating look into the way which you are brought up, and contribute to your national economy.

Send your ideas by telex to GXTW4439
or perhaps telegram by A17
We would like to hear from you

Please include all appropriate salutations

Friday, August 27, 2004

Memo to PM: Trim your eyebrows for the youth vote!

TAHINIWORLD® IS PROUD TO PRESENT MR DANSWAMITHINGY WITH THE FIRST INAUGURAL

LETTUCE OF THE WEEK

You win a free atom! It will be sent to you via Swazilands-newimproved-ExpressPostTelexSystem. Have fun with your Particles of Sub Atomic Particles (PASAP). Dont forget to give the kiddies a go, theyre more excited about it than you!

From: dan@p…
Subject: Policy question
Date: 27 August 2004 16:04:08 GMT+10:00
To: john.howard.mp@aph.gov.au

Hi Johnny,

I support your policy of spam. I think there should be more of it. Could you please send me some more spam.
I think the fact you’re paying your son to further the spam cause, and the mighty Libs, is an ingenius killing of two birds with one stone.

Let me know anything I can do to help the cause of spam. Perhaps a new organisation ‘Spammers For A Comfortable Life.’

Yours Sincerely,

Dan.
----------------------------------

Ps. Say hi to the queen for me.
Pps. Good luck in the polls!
Ppps. I know a good hairdresser I can recommend.
Pppps. Have you tried spam with cranberry jam? I recommend it!

OK kids, finally its come - this deep boil of a red-hot flash of confusion

Yes, its the way people introduce themselves on things like blogging, ICQ, matchmaking

Its the general UNINTERESTINGNESS of what they choose to say about themselves

For instance, "sport, art, cooking, walking". What????? This is what I would call banal & non-descriptive. But so many insist on it.. solidarity comrades with boringness. Fight for the right to be apathetic

I believe its some general activist thing. These are people who are so incensed with interestingness, that they meet in underground newly-renovated glass walled & polished timber floor rooms with north facing bedrooms overlooking spacious city-views, and decide:
"Right, there is too much of this bike riding & public transport taking" {hear, hear}
"That is why I ask that all 400,000 of you at this meeting to rise in anger, invest in a car & insist on packing the roads bumper to bumper every morning & evening, just to show them" {yes!}
"Also, dont be interesting, be normal" {yes}

At this point all half-a-million people in this stadium filed out, all with a ragey-look on their faces, all scrunched up

Out they flowed onto the street, shouting slogans & throwing their fist in the air
"Get real jobs, please oh just do it, a REAL job" " white CEO males are the most oppressed in society, liberate them by giving them $20million payouts" "demand Reality TV domination" "never look at your issues, just project onto others & die of heart failure in 30 years" "help multinationals sell more goods by supporting advertising, watch TV for the ads & pray to God™ that these companies exist, help them to help themselves by helping landfill"

Seagulls were flying everywhere, pidgeons bolted away from their fish & chips feasts, as the hordes of wrath came tumbling down the streets. Chaos.

But, as usual, there were the anti-social elements, however small, which splintered off & surrounded any person drinking lattés
Here is an exerpt from the heated arguements that ensued. An exclusive right here on TahiniCam™™™™™™™™™™

Protestor: "You elite power-dominating lattesipper, I demand you cede your power & give it to the oppressed like us!"
Beret-wearer: "But I'm on the Dole, I didnt know I had power!"
Protestor: "You do, they told me you do, so therefore you do. Stop influencing the media & creating bias in this world. Its your fault we are apparently-experiencing-global-warming-dont-listen-to-the-eco-fascists-this-climate-change-is normal-where's-Tuvalu?"
Bereter: "But no one listens to me. I hate the taste of coffee. I just came to get a wheatgrass juice, just enough mind-you for it, at this rate, I'll run out of money on Tuesday"
Protestor: "You make a mockery of our government, who is here for the battlers, that is the poor people with 4WDs. Yeah, taking away the only thing that brings joy to their hearts & giving them lefty-greenie-xtremeskateboards!"
Bereter: "But, sorry, I didnt know that I, well I was just lying on my form, I'm sorry!! I'll tell the truth errrr next time"

It was at this point that a police-person who was rather excessive with lipids around his abdominal region, came running up with his rusted frame 1920s bike, with a baton, a whistle & a Lord Kitchener type moustache, broke up this tense arguement, though he did look a bit roley-poley & kept falling over...

Sorry, as usual, I lost track with what I was saying. Oh no, thats right

When I walk out there into the wide world, who is ready to jump up & down for no good reason? No one! "I like walks on the beach, moonlight dinners, sports, beer"
Lets breakt this down:
- walks on the beach. Why not skinny dipping?
- Moonlight dinners. Why not midnight feasts in the nude?
- sports. Watching them, playing them, which ones? - why not handball the Australian way (in a playground with a tennis ball hitting against the squares & getting out the person in Ace position - oh dear, didnt explain that one well...)
- beer. How bloody typical! Activists for zinc-deprevation more like it ....

So, if I was to take someone out like this, they are unlikely to say anything a bit ***weird*** or different, just "lets go & see a movie". No! Why not play on the swings? Or maybe do some gardening together? or go searching for Hard Rubbish? or heckling comedians? or climbing rooves? (see, I spelledt it correctli) or patting mooses on the h-h-horns? or walking a cat around the block? or counting street signs? or licking things?

Who says this in their introduction? Because they dont want to

OFFEND

anyone

WELL, Ive got knews from them. I'm offended!

{"Oh no, I new I would offend someone by putting something & I did, oh dear, better not do anything in case someone gets angry. Its a catch-22!"}

THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER PRESENTATION OF ERICFROGKNEWS

Ah yes, I like ducks. wa!

First Post First Post First Post

Hey everyone!!!!!!!

Now this is so cool, my own weblog. Alright, enough of the self-congratulatoryness - my life, my brain.

For all youse persons who say "what goes on inside my brain", well I have good news

Subjective studies* in laboratories conducted on 1,200,000 bedbugs split equally into 3 groups all around 2 weeks old over 3 month period in white walled laboratories only have proven now that my brain is a hive of weird activity & strange connections between things that arent usually connected. Thanx to international backpackers, our drought of bedbugs is now well & truly over. Hooray for Hollywood

There you go! Science & its proper research methods have backed up my own personal findings that I think outside of the box

Now that I have credibility behind what I say, here goes:

******************************************************************************************************************************

I am missing life outside this bedroom! Seriously, this flu is up to Day 10 & continuing. The full on thing is the lack of energy in my bones. No idea when this will end, but I am now getting immune to feeling embarrassed about cancelling things.
Shows how life is very very very very very organised down to every hour.

But at least I have had a lot of time to do things that have nothing to do with massage. Yep, sit on the Internet!

... listen to Radio National & other ABC outlets (if Julie McCrossin was my mum, Kerry O'Brien was my dad, Phillip Adams was one of my uncles - well, Xmas gettogethers would be pretty lively)

... look up www.michaelmoore.com every 6 hours just to see if he's written a new blog

... back to www.smh.com.au

then realising that I am lacking in other interesting places to go on the Internet

Being sicko-sicko is an interesting place to be.

Is anyone going to Benny's standup gig on Saturday?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

THE AMAZING THINGS ON THE BLOGSITE

• all the things happening that I hear about I will paste up on this site
• all the things that happen to me which are hilarious (which, when I think about it, are a lot)
• all the things that I see in the news which seem to stream from the mouths of Alexander Downer, John Howard, Dub-ya, Ross Cameron (the 'I'm a Christian & an adulterer), George Brandis (the Greens are Nazi's guy) - and if I can stand it - Piers Akerman. Very funny
• good news on the front of consciousness, altnerative energy, intentional communities, public transport, yayness and anything else like this
• confest world
• massage
• massage
• massage
• reiki
• massage
yep, a bit of that in my life
AND
• stupid jokes & strange images that pop into my head

Whats more, its all amazing!

Cheers, love, light & lots of broccoli

* ibid, pp454, 654-657 et al, JYTR, Washington, Uzbekistan - Hypothesis "To prove that Eric thinks outside of the box"