Monday, November 22, 2004

Only assholes say the Law Is An Ass

"Fred my sweet boy, I dont care what drugs you take or even how much you take, so long as its legal. The Law believes a drug is bad, then it knows best. Remember what I said to you, the Law is there for a reason, it knows better. Now run off to the pub and only partake in legal drugs. "

Fred, recounted this as we were standing around the VB can bathtub. "As if that wasn't all, then my parents said to me "By the way, are you driving? Yes, even be over the limit and on the road, so long as you are consuming alcohol, for all other drugs that exist that aren't produced legally, are pure evil. Remember that when your friends offer you a choof. Firstly say in a deadpan voice "Is this a legal drug?". If they say no, say to them "then how DARE you offer me something that isn't sanctioned by law! Are you promoting terrorism, because that is an illegal act. You are nothing but a small loungeroom version of a terrorist!". Stand up with a raging look on your face. Be proud or your statements, and do it for me and your father, dear boy. Tell your friends this is because your parents would be dissapointed, and would instantly withdraw their love. Shout this all out to all your early 20s friends. Then encourage a mass-walk out of the party. After all, you have the law on your side - a comforting thing to know. I know, even order your friends to feel the same way about the law! Tell them that it is their citizenery obligation to do so, and you are instructing them to carry that out now. You will then get all but the bongheads leaving the party. All of them. Expect it. Now run off and have lots of fun consuming legal drugs!".

I came home with Fred that night. I peered out to the living room, and saw Fred's mum was later seen watching videos of Reefer Madness, choking back tears and saying to a friend of hers, obviously there to comfort her "I was smoking a gram a day right up to the last minute of its legality. After midnight, when a new law came into force, I quit forever. In fact, as the clock, which was hooked up directly to the Atomic Clock at Greenwich (I invested $200,000 so that I would have the exact time for how my life was ordered via the Courts and Parliament. Well, come 12 midnight, I looked at my bag of green & quickly threw it out onto the street. Only 30 seconds before hand I was snouting it with my head in the bag, getting as much out of it as I could. But then, I was horrified. There were young respectable adults, picking up buds, leaves and bits of hashish that was in the approx. 1kg bag. They were like pigeons in the park scampering after some damper. Well, I told them logically 'Its illegal to think of non-prescription drugs, alcohol and tobacco products. What are you doing? This doesn't make sense. Ignore it, for the law personally doesn't like your actions. Be a proper citizen, be gone with you!' I said it in my best school-marm voice. That will teach them a lesson. But OH NO! it didn't for they kept picking it up like they were starving in the Greater Spanish African Empire Territory! I felt a disgust for society. Surely I & the legal profession is right, and they & the criminals they were now (33 minutes after the enaction of the new law) were wrong. And that is that. Oh, what has happened to my fellow humans?"

The videos kept playing. The friend gave sympathetic mumbles, and every minute of the reel, her tears got bigger, and bigger. The watertank, newly installed as it was now legal AND encouraged by local council, would be filling up by now! Seen the Wizard of Oz? Similar to the scene of the witch melting, Fred's mum curled over, fell on the floor and lay there, a sobbering wreck. The look on her friends face was one of disbelief.

I left the house, vowing to take her fight to all of my friends. Sure, I'll become unpopular, but if they are our local version of Usama Bin Laden, then a lesson they must be taught!